My Little Summon: Friendship is Overrated
by CarefulCrown
Summary: [Oneshot] Why couldn't he have just gotten transforming robots like all the other guys?


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor do I own My Little Pony. I probably own a few Naruto volumes somewhere around here, but own nothing even remotely related to My Little Pony. They are both the Trademarks of their respective owners.

So I finally gave in and watched My Little Pony. I won't say that I didn't like it, because I thought that it was fairly good for a children's show. I certainly thought that it was more valid than many of the things that I watched as a child, and even more valid than some of the things that I still watch, but I do not understand why its fandom is quite as large as it is and am considering watching through the documentary to perhaps understand. That said, I do appreciate some of the things that have come from the fandom.

For the sake of humor, certain things have been exaggerated and understated. This is for laughs, and if you take offense, enjoy adding fuel to my fire.

WARNING: **Has not been Beta'd. Was thrown together in varying states of mental wellness/awareness. **

_**Trollollollolloll**_

_***In the Forrest, Fighting Gaara***_

Sakura's unconscious form pinned to the tree had Naruto panicking in fear. Not fear of the monstrous sand ninja in front of him, nor fear for his own health, but rather fear of losing one of the few people that he had been able to call a friend. Sasuke jumped down and landed on the branch next to him, readying himself to charge through his limits and use one last chidori, even if it meant drawing on Orochimaru's seal for the energy he needed.

"Take Sakura and get out of here as quickly as possible," The rookie of the year told his dead last teammate. If the flow of the battle up until this point was any indication, then they had no chances of winning, and it would be best if his two teammates could get away. Naruto, on the other hand, wasn't about to let his rival take the hit.

"There's one last trick I have up my sleeve," he told Sasuke, "But you have to promise not to tell anyone about it. I really don't want it to get out that I used this, okay?" Sasuke eyed him warily. There was no way in his opinion that Naruto had anything left up his sleeve that would be able to turn the tide of this battle. Perhaps his look didn't give this thought away, because the blonde began to string together a set of hand seals regardless.

"KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!" Naruto yelled, slamming his palm onto the ground, only to be surrounded by a cloud of smoke similar to when his kage bunshin were dispelled. When the smoke cleared, Sasuke's jaw dropped.

"Whaaaaaa-?"

_***Flashback***_

"Okay kid," Jiraiya said, "Today I'm going to teach you the Kuchiyose technique and let you sign my toad contract!" This was the part where the kid would be ecstatic. Who didn't want to learn how to summon animals, especially toads. Toads were awesome, loyal, heavy drinkers, and great fighters. Most kids would give their right hand and a week's lunch money even to be considered for the toad contract. This would surely make up for all of the birthday's that he'd missed over the years. Well, this and a complete set of his Icha Icha series, of course.

_***End Flashback***_

As the smoke cleared, it became clear what Naruto was standing on was not the tree branch that he and his teammate had shared just seconds earlier.

_***Return to Flashback***_

"I can't," Naruto told Jiraiya, "I already have a contract." And it was true. Naruto did have a summoning contract. It just wasn't something that he ever went out of his way to make terribly public. In fact, he was fairly sure that to this day, only the Hokage and the anbu who had been guarding his office at the time knew anything about it.

"How did you end up with a contract already, kid? You're just a rookie genin. Even if you are going into the finals of the chuunin exam, you just shouldn't have had enough time yet to acquire a contract." The older man didn't mention the bit about most contracts being things that families handed down. If Naruto didn't know that, then there was no reason to make him feel any worse about his childhood than he might have already.

But Naruto wasn't lying. In fact, he had acquired his contract much in the same way as Jiraiya had, albeit much earlier in his life. In fact, he would swear that he could feel a flashback coming on...

_***Flashback-ception***_

"Wow mister, that's so cool!" a young Naruto said to a chuunin he had just seen summon a pigeon, "Can you summon other animals? Like, useful ones?" Let it never be said that a young Naruto was not a needlessly offensive Naruto. Now, the man he was inadvertently offending had never been a terribly sympathetic person, least of all to the young demon container. Perhaps he was having a bad day and thought it would be reasonable to take his frustration out on the young blonde. The white haired young man had just made chuunin and received that contract as a gift. He wasn't entirely proud of the winged rats, but he had been willing to accept them. After that day, being made fun of by a small child, Mizuki would never again summon a pigeon.

Suddenly the chuunin had an idea. He could get rid of the kid and no one would be any the wiser. He wouldn't even be the one getting rid of the kid; the kid would be getting rid of himself.

"How would you like to learn how to summon, Naruto?" the chuunin asked. The kid was old enough that the academy would have taught him how to access his chakra, but not much else. Luckily that was pretty much all that the summoning technique required. The level of control would help in not being wasteful, but if the kid attempted a summoning without a contract, the technique would just take all it needed and send him to some summon's realm, where he would likely die. Even if he didn't, his chances of returning were not favorable, to say the least.

"Would I ever, mister!" oh such an innocent child. Mizuki showed him the necessary hand seals and got him to work learning the basics of how to mold the chakra for the technique. On his sixth try, he finally got the technique right. By right, of course, it meant that he summoned himself right out of his own realm and into that of a summon animal species.

_***In the Sky***_

"OH FUCK ME!" Naruto screamed, falling from a height he had never even imagined reaching. This was, of course, the moment that Naruto lost his childlike innocent vocabulary, "FUCK ME IN THE KEYHOLE!" He was falling faster and faster, picking up speed and a decreasing pace as he approached terminal velocity. Suddenly he found himself on top of something blue as his descent arced back upward before leveling out continuing forwards. He was then able to make out that he was on some sort of animal. It seemed awfully horse-like, but had a pair of wings, a blue body, and a rainbow mane and tale. He proceeded to hold on for his dear life until finally whatever he was riding made a decent and landed on sweet, sweet ground. Ground which Naruto quickly dismounted to start kissing.

"Haha, don't eat all the grass there," turning around to come face to face with his savior, he was surprised to find it an oddly colored Pegasus, similar to one he had seen in a picture book earlier in his childhood. It was mostly blue, with a rainbow colored tail and mane and an image of a rainbow colored lightning bolt on its flank.

Finishing kissing the ground, Naruto spoke "Thank you so much for saving me!" he jumped up and hugged the majestic creature that had saved him. The Pegasus could have been a damn pigeon and it would have been majestic after what he had just been through, "Wait a second! You can talk?!"

"Well duh! Of course I can talk, silly. Why wouldn't I be able to talk? That's just dumb. I not a baby, I even just got my cutie mark! Look!" the Pegasus said, showing off its lightning bolt flank, "I'm Rainbow Dash, and I'm the best flyer in all of Equestria!"

"I don't know where Equestria is, but I'm pretty sure that I've never seen it on a map. I'm not very good with geography though… Or math… history isn't really my thing either. I'm good at fighting though! And I can run really far!"

"And I can fly really far! My name is Rainbow Dash! So who and what are you and how did you end up in the sky?"

After introducing himself and explaining the circumstances behind his arrival, Naruto learned that Equestria was the realm of the Pony summons. Rainbow Dash had only heard of humans in school, since there had apparently not been a human to summon the Pony clan since the days of the Warring Clans Era. During that time, there had been a clan, one with an odd bloodline that only allowed the production of female heirs, who had possessed the summoning contract for the Ponies. This made sense to Naruto, since, obviously, Ponies were for little girls, though he would make at least one special exception for the Pegasus that had saved his bacon moments earlier. It was at this point that Rainbow Dash was struck by inspiration.

"Oh oh! I know! I could give you a contract to summon me! That way, I'll be famous as the first pony to make a contract with a human in generations and you can be the first human to make a contract with a Pony in generations," well, he owed her big time, so it looked like Naruto would be the guy with a pony summon if she wanted it that way. He didn't think he'd ever fully live this one down, but she had saved his life and seemed to want to be his friend, and Naruto would never turn a friend down, "Of course, I can only give you a personal contract, since I'm not the boss pony, but I'm the best there is anyway, so don't fret it Naruto!"

"Well, okay Rainbow Dash. If that's what you want."

And that was how Naruto first became a summoner since the dawn of the hidden village system. Joy.

*Years Later, Land of Waves*

Lying in bed, thinking about how awesome it was that he'd gotten tree walking down after all that trouble, Naruto felt the telltale pull of a reverse summoning. It was a rare but certainly unforgettable feeling, one that he had felt only a couple of times since the initial occurrence all of those years ago. Most of the time, if he summoned Rainbow Dash, it was to hang out around the apartment and catch up with her. Having not been on any real missions until this one to wave, it wasn't like she had expected to be called out for combat, though, like him, she had initially gotten her hopes up when he had first made genin, only to have them dashed, just like him.

Gaining his bearings, he was surprised to see not only Rainbow Dash, who had summoned him, but also five other Ponies: a purple unicorn, a white unicorn, a yellow Pegasus, and pink and orange "Earth Ponies", as Rainbow Dash had described them to him. It had been a while now since he had been reverse summoned since Rainbow Dash had told him that if she summoned him to her home town, he would fall through the clouds to the ground far below. It was for that reason, among others, that she had been talking about moving to a place she called "Ponyville".

"Where am I?" he asked, still in the process of blinking away his sleep. Looking out the window, it seemed to be night here too, "Is something the matter? It's night out and you guys seem real worried about something."

And it was true. All of the ponies around him had been awfully frantic until he started talking, at which point a sense of amazement took over. Clearly they, like Rainbow Dash all of those years ago, had never seen a human before. In something Naruto would fail to register as classic Rainbow Dash fashion, as his personality was strikingly similar in this regard, Rainbow Dash had a smug look on her face, having taken satisfaction in showing the others that she could do something awesome that they couldn't.

"So this is a human? I've only read about you in books," the purple unicorn told him, "But Rainbow Dash, he seems like he's just a child, and he doesn't match the images shown in the archive books quite right. Is this what… a boy looks like?" Ah, that was right; the only summoners of the ponies in the past had been a clan that only gave birth to female heirs. Of course they wouldn't really know what a _man_ (let it not be said that Naruto was modest) looked like.

"Eh, it's fine. Don't sweat it Twilight. He's cool. We've got this in the bag, no problem," Rainbow Dash said, blowing of the worries of the more high-strung pony and turning to face her friend and occasional summoner, "So here's the deal, Naruto: Nightmare Moon, an evil pony that was sealed away in the moon, broke free and has stolen the daytime. We need to go and find the Elements of whatever-"

"Harmony," the one called Twilight interrupted.

"Right, whatever," Rainbow Dash returned to talking, "We need to find them and use them to give her the old one-two!" At this point she seemed to notice something and turned to look at her pink friend, who was shaking around so much that she seemed to be vibrating in place, "Yes, Pinkie?"

"Ooh ooh ooh!" The pink one blurted out, "I'm Pinkie Pie, who are you? Where are you from? Do you like to party? What do you like to eat? What's your favorite color? What's your second favorite color? Ooh ooh ooh! Let me guess! Are you a ninja from a village hidden in the woods who loves to eat ramen and loves the color orange and blue is your second favorite?"

"Uh, I'm Naruto and yeah, how'd you know all that?"

"Just a hunch," Pinkie Pie replied, as if it were just the most obvious thing that she had ever said. He had heard her name in the past from Rainbow Dash. She had described the pink one as a very uppity pony, whom Rainbow Dash had taken to avoiding, deciding that Pinkie was somewhat annoying. Based on that, he doubted that Rainbow Dash had given her that information. Even in respect to his favorite colors, those shouldn't have been immediately guessable. He had been ready to sleep when he was summoned, so he was in his boxers and his black t-shirt. Well shit, now that he realized it, he was a bit self-conscious. Voicing his concern, it was immediately addressed by the white unicorn, who it turned out fancied herself something of a designer. The white one, named Rarity, took a few quick measurements with some magically floating tools and galloped off. Naruto sent one of his clones with her to help with whatever it was that she was doing, assuming that she could use the help. This action brought him the attention of the orange pony wearing a cowgirl hat.

"Whoa there, sunshine," she said, "You can make more than one o' yer'self?"

"Uh, yeah," he told her, "I can make, like, hundreds of me. Believe it!" and it was true; under duress he could make hundreds of copies of himself fairly easily with the Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu. The very thought of having that many farmhands made the orange one, who introduced herself as Applejack, quite jealous, though her pride wouldn't allow her to admit it. If she was behind next harvest season, she might have to give Rainbow Dash a call and ask for assistance from her blond friend. Blonds had to work together after all.

Turning to the yellow pegasus, he was glad to see that there was at least one familiar face other than Rainbow Dash's. He had, once or twice, met Fluttershy while summoned to the realm of the ponies by Rainbow Dash. Seeing as she had to be on ground to summon him, she would often be hanging out with the yellow pony that wasn't terribly fond of heights. Or anything that _anyone_ might be afraid of, really, except for animals. He had no problems with the shy pony, but thought that it was a little weird that she couldn't express her feelings, just like Hinata from back home.

"Hi Naruto," she greeted quietly, smiling at the boy. While they waited for Rarity to return, Twilight Sparkle took the time to fully explain the situation to Naruto, who readily agreed to help them to bring back their daytime. It would be awfully inconvenient if the crops were unable to grow because some god-pony decided that she was jealous of some other god-pony.

Rarity soon returned with a comfortably fitting, it outdated (it seemed that zippers were not really much of a thing here) pair of pants. Seeing as they would soon be travelling into this "Everfree Forrest" (how they roped Fluttershy into that, he had no idea), all of the ponies seemed afraid, but he was used to nighttime in dark woods, so he wasn't terribly worried about that. Their adventure into the woods was full of strife, with near death via falls, enraged manticores, demon trees, weird songs from Pinkie Pie, drama queen sea monsters, and illusions that tested his friend's loyalty before they finally came upon the castle that they were searching for. Leaving Twilight alone with the elements, she was teleported to the top floor of the adjacent building, where Naruto and the rest of the ponies went after her.

The elements of harmony had been crushed by the black alicorn, but the ponies, via some MacGuffin represented the elements and made some sort of rainbow tornado to banish the nightmare pony-god. As the others celebrated their accomplishment, Naruto couldn't help but walk over to the now vastly different looking alicorn sprawled out on the ground.

"So Twilight told us your story. You know, people don't like me either," he told her, "For me, it's not even just being forgotten. The people where I'm from do their best to pretend that I don't exist. I know people like the day, but nighttime has its perks. I'm a ninja, you know; Night is kinda my thing. If it means anything to you, I think that we could be friends. Believe it!"

At this point the other god pony, who it seemed had planned this entire ordeal as some sort of batman-gambit, showed up and accepted her little sister, Princess Luna back into her life, brightening the younger's expression significantly more than Naruto's speech had managed to. It was at this point that she turned to Naruto with an appraising eye.

"Young child, I deeply appreciate your aide this day," even though he really hadn't done much at all, "I understand that you have established a personal contract with this young pegasus," she said, gesturing to Rainbow Dash. How she knew that, Naruto had no idea, "I believe that, for your assistance, you have earned some sort of reward for yourself. This is why, should you desire it, I will offer to you the Pony contract. Of course, even should you not take our contract, you will continue to be able to summon your friend."

Turning to Rainbow Dash, Naruto saw her shake off her awe and give him the nod, indicating her approval.

"Of course I would take the contract er-"

"You may call me Celestia, young one."

"Right, Celestia," at this point the ponies, who had all been bowing to Celestia, looked scandalized, much like the people around him did when he refered to the old man as old man. Weird. It was at this point that Pinky Pie declared her intent to party. Intent that was soon followed through on rapidly.

Naruto was not very much for the pony partying, feeling a bit odd at the constant looks that he was getting as a human in a village of ponies. Everyone wanted to know what he was, something that Celestia promised that she would make an announcement regarding in the near future. In the meantime, Naruto went over and decided to have a chat with one of the two other guests not really fitting in. Fluttershy was off in her own corner, but it was Luna who he had decided to chat with.

"Don't really know much of anyone here either, huh?" He asked.

"NO, WE DON'T," she thundered back, "WE HAVE SPENT THE LAST THOUSAND YEARS IN THE MOON," seeing the boy's cringe, she asked, "IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE WAY WE SPEAK?"

It was at this point that he reasoned with her that even her sister hadn't spoken that way. Realizing the truth in this, she promised that she would do her best to adjust to modern times. It wouldn't be immediate, but she would try.

"Regardless, we thank you for your kind words. A ninja, you say? We would like to offer you our services in the future. If you ever need to summon us, picture us and append the phrase "Royal Moon" to your technique. As our favor to you we will waive the energy requirement necessary to summon us and pay it ourselves. If you ever need the sun lowered and the moon raised, do not hesitate to call upon us."

Well, the volume adjustment was appreciated, as was her personal offer, so Naruto hurried to thank her before going to collect a few drinks and cupcakes, inviting Fluttershy, who declined, likely still awkward around Luna, to join them as they ate.

After many hours, he was returned to his own realm, where he found that he was late to the bridge to join his teammates, but due to all of this, was able to save the old bridge builder's family, so all's well that ends well.

_***Back to with Jiraiya***_

"Oh well," Jiraiya said, "Guess I'll start teaching you the rasengan. You won't be able to learn that in a month, but it'll help you out in the long run, I suppose…

_***Back to the fight with Gaara***_

"Whaaaaaa-?" Sasuke said, staring at what he decided was probably the most majestic animal that he had ever seen. Naruto had summoned Rainbow Dash, and while the color scheme wasn't necessarily to his liking, Sasuke could do naught but admire the "majestic" Pegasus.

"Sasuke, get Sakura to safety," Gaara had begun to transform into some sort of a giant monster, the form of the one tail Shukaku itself, "We'll handle him!"

Sasuke complied, snapping out of his daze to help his other teammate. This was not over, that was for sure. He would learn all that he could about these… Little Pony summons. Back with Naruto, he was prepping to do battle, and by "do battle" he meant release his favorite move. In the months since he had signed the complete pony contract, Rainbow Dash had mastered the art of creating her "Sonic Rainboom" to the point where she had devised a whole new technique, one capable of utterly eradicating an Apple family barn in a matter of seconds.

"RbD, get ready. We need a Rainbow Nuke."

And that was the end of that. Perhaps Gaara didn't learn as much of a lesson as he would have had he not encountered the fear of seeing Naruto crawl towards him, prepared to gut the redhead for the sake of his friends, but that rainbow… that rainbow entranced him and brought something he had never experienced to his face: a smile.

And that was the story of how Naruto saved the day. If anyone asked him how he did it, he fully intended to lie and tell them that he punched Gaara in the face. If they had seen the rainbow mushroom cloud, he fully intended to tell them that he beat the rainbow right out of the other Jinchuuriki. There was only one problem…

_***While Jiraiya and Naruto hunted Tsunade***_

"Damn that Naruto," Sasuke seethed. Ever since the battle with Gaara, the blond had been avoiding him. He had gone to his teammate's apartment the day after, following his discovery that Naruto was indeed not in the hospital after battling with a fucking demon. Seriously, how wasn't he at least injured? If what Sasuke saw was any indication, the boy set off the mother of all bombs, and in rainbow colors no less. Sasuke had to see if Naruto could summon other Ponies, he just had to. Ever since he was a child he had wanted his own little pony, but his father hadn't let Itachi or him have one. He was fairly certain that that was why Itachi had murdered the lot of them, which still had Sasuke pretty miffed.

Finally he decided to see if Kakashi knew where the blond was only to overhear a conversation about how Itachi had disabled Kakashi while hunting for Naruto. Could it be? Could Itachi have heard the rumors of Naruto's ability to summon ponies? This was bad. Sasuke had to go after Itachi. Those little ponies would be _his_.

_***Meanwhile in Naruto's hotel room***_

*Knock knock*

"Ugh," Naruto said, opening the door, "Took you long enough, Ero-sennin… Oh man, you're not Ero-sennin…" And indeed it wasn't, it was the slaughterer of the entire Uchiha clan, Uchiha Itachi. He wasn't smiling, but his face didn't really look like it would ever lend itself to smiling.

"Well bend me over and call me Sally," Naruto said, barely looking up at the Uchiha before moving to close the door. This action was, unfortunately, made impossible by the Uchiha sticking his hand in the door. It was at this point that he locked eyes with Naruto, the eyes turned to pinwheels and started spinning, and all hell broke loose.

_***Tsukuyomi***_

While Naruto had spent much of his life as a pariah, he really thought that the whole "strung up to a cross" thing was a bit much. The inverted colors and hundreds of Itachi surrounding him really weren't to his tastes either. In fact, this whole situation was a bit screwed, all things considered. The red moon hanging in the sky was kind of cool looking, though, so there was that, he supposed.

"For the next seventy two hours," the Itachi closest to him stated, "you will be forced to endure constant disappointment for literally no reason." Itachi had no real reason to torture the kid; he was just stalling for time until Jiraiya could get back and scare him and Kisame off. He wasn't even all that bad of a guy, having only eradicated the Uchiha to avoid further bloodshed in the form of civil war. Sure, he had spent the year leading up to the massacre building up some psychotic backstory about wanting a pony and not being allowed to have one, a story that Sasuke had corroborated nicely. Sasuke probably only wanted a pony because Itachi said that he wanted one. Seriously, what sort of guy wanted a pony? Little boys wanted robots. Robots that transformed into other things. Robots, shall he say it, in Disguise?

This didn't actually sound all that terrible to Naruto, who had been putting up with constant disappointment pretty much his entire life. When he wasn't being disappointed, he was being told what a disappointment he was. Reality warped in front of him, and all of the sudden the Fourth Hokage was standing in front of him with an apologetic look on his face.

"Look, I'm sorry Naruto, but you can't have a pony," the blond kage told him before handing him (how he handed him anything while Naruto was being crucified he had no idea) a small little toy robot, the kind Naruto had always wanted as a child. Naruto's confusion was only furthered by reality warping once again, only to have a woman with long red hair telling him the exact same thing before giving him a comic book to read. He was confused enough that he felt the need to ask:

"I get the Fourth Hokage, but why him and who is the red-haired lady?"

"Er…" did he really not know? "Those are your parents Naruto-kun…" Itachi answered.

"You sick bastard!" Naruto cried, "Showing me the images of my family just to have it all taken away when the illusion is over! You're a monster! I'll never forgive you!" He would, but that's neither here nor there.

Itachi just shrugged. Whatever worked, he figured. Keeping the torture technique running, he could almost swear that he could see a horse's face staring down at him from the moon. But that was crazy. It was _his_ moon after all. And so he went back to doing his thing only to find himself impaled moments later on the horn of a midnight blue… Unicorn? Pegasus? Pony? "Oh god," he thought, "This is karma. This is such perfect karma that it's funny, even while being stabbed."

It was then that the illusion broke and Naruto came to, only to see Itachi on his hands and knees, spitting up blood. The blue fish man quickly picked up his partner and made for the exit, where he found Sasuke only to pick the young Uchiha up and one-hand toss the boy out of the nearest window. Shit, Naruto had been intentionally avoiding Sasuke ever since the whole "Gaara" thing. He really didn't feel like explaining the whole "I can summon little ponies" ordeal to his teammate, who would likely laugh at him for the rest of his life. It was for this reason that Naruto took off, found Jiraiya at the nearest whorehouse, and left town. Gai would later find Sasuke unconscious, muttering something about "not letting Itachi have the ponies". Gai found this perturbing, but accepted it nonetheless and brought Sasuke back home, where with the help of some good therapists, they could perhaps convince him that this little escapade had never happened at all.

_***A few weeks later***_

They had fought Orochimaru and convinced Tsunade to become the Hokage, so that was alright. Naruto had managed to make himself a small fortune gambling during the week they had been bothering Tsunade and had opted for buying a decently sized ranch on the outskirts of Konoha from a farmer who had been finding it hard to turn a profit even before the invasion. By cloning himself as much as possible, Naruto wouldn't even have to worry about hiring genin workers except when he was away on missions. Plenty of room to summon in private as well. Best of all, he never gave Sasuke his new address, so Sasuke had been banging on the door of his old apartment for the last several weeks. Best part of the best part? Naruto had had so little that he intended to take with him that he had moved out _while_ Sasuke was banging on his door, right out the window with a small contingency of clones.

Life was pretty good on Uzumake Ranch. That was probably why Kakashi stopped by: to ruin it. Apparently Sasuke was in the hospital for some shit-awful reason, something about mild to severe psychosis, and had asked to see his teammates. Well, he had to face up to his teammate eventually, he supposed. He hoped that Sasuke didn't ridicule him too hard for having Pony summons, though he'd probably made it worse by avoiding the angsty bastard for several weeks.

He and Kakashi met up with Sakura on their way to the hospital. Apparently she had been trying for days to see the emotionally stunted youth, but had been issued a cease and desist letter from every hospital in town, irritated by her constant badgering of the clerks every time she couldn't find Sasuke. It turned out that there was a bit of a backstory to that, where the pinkette had been, since the day they were made genin, harassing the medical staff looking for Sasuke every time she couldn't find him out of fear that perhaps he had been hurt.

As they entered the building, Kakashi led them to the room where their teammate was located, opening the door without knocking to find Sasuke staring longingly at some sort of picture in a frame. As they entered, he set the picture on his nightstand.

"Oh, Sasuke-kun! I'm so glad that you're okay!" Sakura cooed. If the look on Sasuke's face was anything to go by, he wanted nothing to do with her. As he batted away Sakura's affections, Naruto got a look at the picture that was now resting on his teammate's nightstand and felt his heart drop into his stomach. It was a framed image of a pony. Not one of Naruto's summons, mind you, but an average pony. This was going to be a terribly tiring interaction, Naruto could tell that already.

"Get out of the way, Sakura," he said coldly, "I have business with Naruto and only Naruto." This sentence was worrisome for all involved. For Naruto it was worrisome because he really didn't feel like having the whole village know that he was the summoner of little ponies. For Sakura, it was worrisome because, should it be as it seemed to her, and Sasuke really was coming out of the closet, she would have to find a new target for her affections, since she could obviously not get in the way of such pure, deviant love. For Kakashi it was worrisome because it made him misread a sentence in his book and he had to double back.

Life really was all about priorities.

"Give them to me," Sasuke demanded. What? Not only was Naruto unsure of what Sasuke was demanding, but he also wasn't sure why he was demanding whatever he was demanding.

"Give what to you?" Naruto asked, scratching his head in confusion.

"The ponies!" Sasuke declared. And there it was. The cat was out of the bag. He could see the odd looks that Kakashi, who had put down his book, and Sakura, who was now looking at Sasuke as if he had grown a second head, were giving the as a prankster kicked in as Naruto realized that he might be able to play this off.

"What are you talking about, Sasuke?" he asked, feigning concern for the broody boy.

"Yeah, ever since you beat Gaara, you've been acting really strange, Sasuke," Sakura said, "We're concerned."

"Me? Beat Gaara?" Sasuke asked, awestruck, "No no no. I couldn't beat Gaara no matter how hard I tried. No, I didn't beat that demon. Naruto did! Naruto and his little pony!" Well, cat was out of the bag there. After the irritated breath he had taken in through clenched teeth it would be hard to talk his way out of this one.

"Is that true, Naruto?" She asked. She wanted to believe that Sasuke wasn't psychotic, she really did, but it would be pretty unbelievable if it really had been Naruto that had saved her with the help of a pony.

"Uh, yeah," Naruto admitted, "I can summon ponies. I've been able to for a long time now. It's kind of embarrassing, to be honest, so I don't really talk about it…"

"There's nothing embarrassing about it!" Sasuke roared, "Love and Tolerate! Love! And! Tolerate! Fight me, Naruto!"

"What?! But what about loving and tolerating?" Naruto asked, confused.

"Love and tolerate everything that doesn't get in between me and My Little Ponies!" Sasuke yelled, throwing himself out of the bed and marching over to stare eye to eye with the blond, "The roof, now."

"Well dress me up like an Eastern European whore and put it where the sun don't shine," Naruto muttered, more to himself than anyone else in regards to the situation.

As he climbed the steps to the roof, he couldn't help but wonder if Sasuke had had some sort of a stunted childhood. You know, besides the whole "forced to watch your brother mutilate your clan" thing. Why couldn't he just want a transforming robot like all the other little boys?

"Now before we do this, let's go over the ground rules," Naruto said to his teammate, who stood opposite him, "Rule number one: no touching of the hair or face."

"Of course," Sasuke replied, blowing a loose strand of hair out of his face.

"Why would he even need to state that?" Sakura asked her teacher, who was confused at the entire concept and didn't even bother to answer.

"And that's it!" Naruto said, "Let's do this! Kuchiyose no Jutsu: Honesty!" The cat was already out of the bag as it was, so might as well fight side by side with his little ponies. The cloud of smoke cleared to reveal Applejack. "Listen up AJ, we've got a psycho to fight and I need your help. If you can buck him through that water tower over there, I'll help out on the farm tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure thing, appleseed," The orange pony responded. One of these days he'd get her to directly address him by name, but until then, he would have to deal with the ever-changing and random nicknames. Of course it was all worth it when Applejack bucked Sasuke, who had frozen to admire the pony, right through the water tower. That was pretty impressive, really, given how the water inside should have slowed the Uchiha down enough not to come out the other side. Well, he was going to help Applejack out with the farm either way.

Dismissing the orange pony with a promise that he'd be around the next day, he slammed his palm to the ground again "Kuchiyose no Jutsu: Laughter!" he yelled, summoning Pinkie Pie to deal with whatever retaliation Sasuke had to offer. The pink one, upon the clearing of the smoke, surprised Naruto even more quickly than he could have expected it, as she was wont to do.

The pink pony was clad in classic ninja attire: black facemask and all. Pulling down the facemask, she winked at Naruto, "I'm a ninja now, Naruto!" Then she noticed the enraged Uchiha approaching, Sharingan active, "Do red eyes make you a better ninja? Okay then!" Sasuke froze in awe as he watched the pony raise her hooves and poke herself in the eyes, "Ouch!" Sasuke stood, eyebrow quirked as the pink pony opened her eyes to reveal… a pair of sharingan?

"What the hell…" he reached into his shuriken holster, something the lovely hospital staff had been kind enough not to take away from someone admitted for psychosis, only to find his hand covered in something sticky. Pulling what he could out from the pouch, he found a cupcake in his hand, rather than a deadly shinobi weapon. He was sufficiently angry though, so he threw the cupcake at Naruto anyway. About two thirds of the way to Naruto, the cupcake was cut in half in the air by Pinkie Pie who was somehow wielding a katana in her hooves. Immediately following the "death" of the cupcake, Pinkie picked up the remains and began weeping.

At this point the onlookers had given up trying to make heads or tails of what was going on, all except for Sasuke, who had cooled down enough at this point to begin "loving and tolerating" Pinkie Pie and nothing else. The loving and tolerating took a turn for the worse though, when Pinkie Pie opened her eyes to reveal the mangekyou Sharingan sported by Itachi, which, while non-functional, did cause Sasuke to break down screaming for the rest of the day.

"Seriously," Pinkie Pie said, turning to her summoner, "what's up with that?"

_***At Ichiraku's***_

"So you're telling me that the entire village barring Sakura-chan already knew about the ponies?"

"Yes," Kakashi told his student, "The Third had it put in his will that the second you were gone on a mission, the entire village would be told about your little pony adventure."

"Well dress me up in drag, make me up real pretty, take me out for a fancy dinner, invite me in for coffee, play some Barry White, and fuck me in the cornhole. I was pretty broken up over the whole 'him dying' thing, but now I think I'm gonna piss on his grave."

"He said you'd say that. He said, 'worth it'."

"Argghh!"

_***After Sasuke gets his shit wrecked by the Sound Four***_

"So you're telling me that Orochimaru is all about… Loving and Tolerating…?"

_***The crew finds out that Sasuke is gone***_

"Yeah, don't worry Sakura," Tsunade told the girl, "Naruto is on it already." She'd given the boy a specific set of instructions. If the Uchiha couldn't be retrieved, his primary goal was to gouge out the eyes, secondary objective… _sterilization_. One way or another, Orochimaru would not get what he wanted.

_***Valley of the End***_

Sasuke walked along the edge of the valley. Apparently the team that was transporting him had gotten themselves engaged in combat with a team sent to pursue him. Why couldn't Konoha just learn to love and tolerate? As he reached the falls though, he took note of a figure on the statue opposite him.

"How did you know that I would come this way, Naruto?" Sasuke yelled across the valley to the young jinchuuriki. He could have skirted the valley like a normal human being, so there was no reason that Naruto should have assumed that he would go _this_ way.

"Pinkie sense," Naruto yelled back, as if that answered anything. The Uchiha could only assume that it had something to do with the pink pony that Naruto had called Pinkie during the fight on the hospital rooftop. The thought that the ponies had favored Naruto over Sasuke once again enraged him. What was it that he had done wrong?

If only Naruto had let him play with the ponies, this wouldn't have happened. If only he had loved and tolerated. But he had not, and Orochimaru was willing to Love and Tolerate. No one in Oto would judge him for having a room full of plastic ponies. He didn't want to play with the transforming robots, damn it!

"Fight me, now!" This time would be different. This time he would beat his teammate. Maybe the ponies would love him then.

Making a few hand seals, Sasuke let fly with a fireball aimed at the blond. Naruto dodged wide and began his own string of hand seals.

"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"

"Hey lookie Naruto! I'm still a ninja! Do you think they make throwing stars in pink?"

Sasuke decided that he wouldn't fall for the same trick twice, as Naruto had once again summoned Pinkie Pie. Unfortunately, however, he did look right into the pink pony's eyes. Immediately after, he began screaming.

"Look, look! I even wore my ninja eyes!" Pinky said to Naruto with a beaming smile that showed off more teeth than a smile should have been capable of. Sure enough, her eyes were the spinning pinwheel of the mangekyou sharingan.  
_**  
**__***Later***__**  
**_  
"And then he just screamed the whole way back," Naruto told Tsunade, "Like, what's up with that?"

_**#Unused Scenes and Omake#**_

Sasuke pointed across the waterfall at Naruto and slowly raised his arm until his still-extended finger was pointing directly at the sky.

"-for my drill is the drill that will pierce the heavens!" Sasuke cried out.

"I thought the spiral motif was my thing..."

####

"So you're telling me that she alters reality, nearly costs each of you your lives and happiness, convinces each if you to fix it for each other, says a few silly riddles, and, for all of that, she becomes a god-pony?" Naruto was somewhat baffled by that. When he wanted superpowers, he had had to train with the toads and defeat his inner demon to steal his powers. Sure, his Kyuubi bro-cloak was probably the most effective weapon short of being Uchiha Madara, but why didn't superpowers ever come for free for him?

"Alicorn," Rarity corrected.

"That's what I said," here he paused for thought, "You know what though? At least I never had to go to an alternate reality high school and win a popularity contest to save the world. Now THAT sounds convoluted."

####

"While you were gone these past several years training with Jiraiya, Sasuke ran away again. This time we were unable to catch him and he made it all the way to Orochimaru," Tsunade told the younger blond with a somber face and voice.

"Really?" Naruto asked, shocked.

"Haha, no. We've got that kid locked up tighter than a virgin on prom night. He's got 240,000 more hours of mandatory therapy before we even let him breathe the same air as the normals."

"Oh good, you had me worried for a minute there, Baa-chan."

####

I might do another bit of this at some point, just because it's fun to be off the wall when writing. Inform me of any mistakes that you come across, I will be happy to fix them. If you are offended by the language or any of the things said, it wasn't for you. Or was it? I don't really know why I do things anymore.


End file.
